Think.

  • Sat, 19, Aug, 2017 - 5:00:AM

Your vibrator can bring down civilisation as we know it

Image: Kinderkrankenhaus-Weißensee in Berlin / Ben Mack

It’s one of the great questions of our time: can your vibrator kill you?

Theoretically, yes.

Then again, molecular displacement (walking through a wall) is also technically possible, so there’s that.

Certain segments of society might say this is exactly why YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE SEX, EVER, or at the very least they’d tell you that MASTURBATION IS A SIN. You should probably continue to ignore them, unless you plan on moving to Gloriavale.

Such an unfortunate event as ‘death by vibrator’ would likely involve water, severe malfunction or home-made vibrator add-ons, and a very awkward police investigation. Seriously though, a more likely scenario - and for some perhaps a fate worse than death, depending on how prudish you are - is that your vibrator could become a target for hackers.

Vibrators can be hacked if they can receive a wireless signal or be connected via a USB cable, like any “Internet of Things” device, such as a dishwasher or “smart” refrigerator. Hackers can steal the data of someone using a vibrator, including potentially embarrassing details like how often the vibrator is activated, and for how long. Wouldn’t that be a nasty strain of blackmail, or a creepy sci-fi variation of slut shaming? Mean Girls would have nothing on that.

On the topic of keeping data about your intimate experiences private, there’s something else to keep in mind, too. Unlike in Australia, if your data is stolen by hackers, companies don’t legally have to do much about it, because informing customers of data breaches is only voluntary in Aotearoa. Not cool.

Oh, and there’s this: your vibrator can also be press-ganged into joining a cyber-army bent on destroying the world as we know it.

No, really.

Can you imagine our entire civilisation – thousands of years of history, incredible inventions like the microwave – brought down by SEX TOYS?!

Here’s how it happens: once hackers gain control of your super-smart, high-tech vibrator, they can use its IP address (every device, no matter what it is, that receives a signal has one) to send signals to another IP address (like a server that hosts a website). When thousands – or millions – of signals are sent to a single address, it’s known as a distributed denial-of-service (DDoS) attack. It’s the most common type of attack used to make websites crash.

Don’t believe me? A traffic light can be taken down if the computer that controls it is taken down in a DDoS attack, the gates of a dam rendered unable to open or close, or even an entire electrical grid switched off. Such scenarios may be unlikely, but they’re not impossible. Your vibrator may be unlikely to kill you, but it could theoretically bring about the suffering of a large number of people all around the world.

Still not convinced that vibrators can be turned into cyber-weapons? Consider this: last October, thousands of Internet of Things devices were used to attack the Internet service provider Dyn, causing websites around the world to crash.

So, yeah: your vibrator that you’re using for pleasure in New Zealand can cause serious pain in places like Newfoundland. Think of it like a 21st century version of the old adage “if a butterfly beats its wings in Africa, it can cause a hurricane across the Atlantic.”

Never knew your vibrator had that kind of power, did you?

TAGGED IN

  • Vibrator /
  • Sex Toys /
  • Hacking /
  • Tech /
  • Internet of Things /
  • Sex /
  • Masturbation /
  • DDoS /
  • Aotearoa /
  • New Zealand /
  • computers /
  • Dyn /
Support Villainesse

Comments ( 0 )

Be the first to have your say login or register to post a comment

You might also love