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  • Mon, 30, Oct, 2017 - 5:00:AM

The Villainesse guide to the worst sexy Halloween costumes EVER

Halloween costumes.

It’s Rule 34 in real life: think of it, and there’s a “sexy” version of it.

Now, you do you. But remember: there’s bad, and then there’s “will go viral on social media under the headline what never, ever to wear under any circumstances, up to and including the end of the world, and necessitating the need to go into the Witness Protection Programme”-level bad. Enjoy.

Sexy lobster

Lobsters taste delicious. But they are not sexy. There is no possible way to make them sexy. Please do not try, lest you go swimming and a confused shark literally tries to eat you.

Sexy zombie

Nothing says “sexy” like slowly rotting flesh, right? Yeah, nah.

Sexy corn on the cob

Like sexy lobsters, there is literally no way you can make this sexy. Please. Do. Not. Try.

Sexy guitar

You’ll be livin’ on a prayer hoping your friends will one day talk to you again if you rock this at a party.

Sexy soldier

Sorry not sorry, but there is nothing sexy about war. And there never will be.

Sexy Cookie Monster

Different strokes for different folks and all, but it’s COOKIE MONSTER. The Sesame Street character. He’s blue and eats nothing but cookies. Doesn’t sound too sexy.

Sexy straitjacket

Not only is it not sexy, it’s also incredibly offensive.

Sexy unicorn

Who doesn’t love unicorns, right? Don’t ruin a good thing. Please. Just don’t.

Sexy Sriracha

Enough with the “sexy” food ideas, OK? It’s like trying to make “fetch” happen. Even Gretchen Weiners couldn’t do it. Jiminy Christmas.

Sexy Melania Trump

She’s married to the misogynist, racist, homophobic and generally deplorable man who might very well kill us all. Not sexy.

Sexy Stranger Things

In the hit TV series, the character Eleven is A CHILD. Not sexy – gross.

Sexy bacon

It may taste good, but ENOUGH WITH THE SEXY FOODS. Can guarantee that people will see your outfit and instead of thinking how HAWT you look, they’ll be high-tailing it to the nearest Denny’s or fantasising about bacon cheeseburgers.

Sexy Where’s Wally

Please don’t ruin our childhoods. End of.

Sexy Chinese food

Besides being unsexy, it’s also super racist.

Sexy Donald Trump

NO.

Sexy shower

Now, showers can totally be sexy. At least, the things you do in a shower can be sexy. But dressing up as a sexy shower? No.

The big takeaway here: why does everything involving women’s costumes have to be “sexy?” What does that say about how our society views women and women’s bodies? Ever seen a “sexy hot dog” or “sexy scrubbing brush” costume for guys?

Kinda makes you want to hide under the sheets… and cut eye-holes in them. HEY GUYS! I THINK I FIGURED OUT WHAT I’M GOING TO BE FOR HALLOWEEN!

TAGGED IN

  • Halloween /
  • costumes /
  • sexy /
  • Women /
  • Women's Bodies /
  • Objectification /
  • Sex /
  • Misogyny /
  • Sexism /
  • Sriracha /
  • Trump /
  • Where's Wally /
  • Stranger Things /
  • Cookie Monster /
  • lobster /
  • bacon /
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