Sex on the beach. It’s either AMAZING, or the most horrendous experience ever. Opinion at Villainesse is passionately divided. So we came up with a list of pros and cons of getting down and… sandy.
Before taking the plunge, however, keep in mind that sex on the beach is illegal almost everywhere. If you happen to own a private beach, you could be good to go (though you should definitely check out the legislation anyway!), but in nearly all other cases the law isn’t in your corner.
Which may not even be the most compelling reason not to have sex on the beach. For those, see the (many) cons below.
- You could live out your own rom-com.
- The smell of the salt air and the sound of the gently lapping waves.
- Snuggling under the stars.
- Water = buoyancy = things that were impossible could become possible?
- It could make for a great story later.
- Literal crabs. (And potentially the other kind of crabs. Be safe, kids!)
- Sand. Everywhere. We even know someone who got sand up her nose. Her advice: some positions are not beach friendly.
- Hypothermia. Ever had sex while shivering (not in a good way)? Not fun.
- Spiders. New Zealand beaches are home to the Katipo spider, a poisonous native spider. Exposing soft and fleshy bits in their home habitat mightn’t be the best idea.
- Sharp shells. Cuts in sensitive places could be both difficult to explain and unpleasant.
- The Mount Mauler. This creepy crawly looks like a transparent maggot (sexy) and can bite its victims from head to toe.
- Other people seeing what you’re up to. Unless, that is, you want to be seen. We’re not into kink-shaming, but do spare a thought for any unsuspecting bystanders who might stumble upon you.
- On that, as we mentioned above, having sex is illegal on basically every public beach, everywhere (even a lot of nudist colonies). Think about calling someone (maybe even your parents) and asking them to bail you out of jail. The awkward conversations with police and lawyers… Taking the stand in court…
- Ever seen Sharknado?
- Or Jaws?
With all that in mind, it might be best to go for a swim, snuggle under the stars, and then take the main event elsewhere. Preferably somewhere where transparent maggots won’t eat you for dinner. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.Support Villainesse