It’s been a long time since I wrote a letter to Santa. Now I think back, letters to the North Pole are somewhat wasted on the young. I’m quite sure I never asked for anything particularly special. There was no ‘world peace’ or ‘the destruction of the patriarchy’ on my Christmas wish list. Instead there were things like Barbie Minivans and computer games. If I could do it all over again, I’d definitely wish for better stuff.
I’d also probably send my letter to the Head Elf, who – let’s face it – has to be female. How the hell else would millions of presents get to the right children around the globe? There is a seriously organised multi-tasking woman somewhere in the mix. It’s about time she got the credit she deserved.
On that – there’s no time like the present. It’s a bit late to send a letter to the Arctic this year, so the below will have to do.
Dear Ms. Elf,
I am writing to humbly ask for a few gifts to be distributed under the trees of feminists this Christmas. I have not always been good, but I’ve always at least tried to be good at it, so I’m hoping that counts for something. In fact, as far as traditional patriarchal laws are concerned, I have been very bad, which I hope counts for rather more.
Any or all of the following would be greatly appreciated this Festivus:
1. Equality for people of all genders. (Duh. I thought I’d start with the low-hanging fruit.)
2. The removal of abortion from the Crimes Act (and an overhaul of the Contraception, Sterilisation and Abortion Act 1977 would be great, while you’re at it).
3. The arrival of the #MeToo reckoning in New Zealand. While a number of predators have been outed and shamed around the world, all is strangely quiet on the home front, and I know for a fact that we have plenty of creeps of our own. Justice for victims would be a great gift, if you would be so kind.
4. Sex education in schools that actually covers consent, contraception and non-heterosexual, monogamous relationships.
5. Equal pay. We’re getting a bit sick of earning less than our male colleagues, Ms. Elf. If you could please chuck a bit extra in our pay packets, that’d be choice.
6. The GST removed on sanitary products. Like seriously. It’s not like it’s fun having to bleed out your vagina every month. If you could minimise some of the pain to our pockets, that’d be great. If you could minimise some of the pain to our uteruses, we’d also be cool with that.
7. More feminist anthems. You can be sure that we’ll be firing up our girl power playlists for summer road trips. We could do with a few more fierce tunes to add into the mix. Could you please put a request in with Beyoncé?
8. More feminist victories. You can be sure that we’ll keep soldiering on, but if you wanted to sprinkle some of your elf-dust (is that a thing?) on a few feminist issues, feel free.
Yours in sisterhood,
The Villainesse crewSupport Villainesse