First published on Saturday the 11th of November, 2017, this piece comes in at number 12 in the top 30 most read Villainesse stories of 2017.
The moon was still overhead when Feminist Mike Hosking woke up. He opened his eyes, looked out the window at that symbolic feminine orb, and said to himself, “what a wonderful day to smash the patriarchy.”
Scanning the news, Feminist Mike frowned with disgust that some people were actually opposed to the Black Ferns being paid the same as the All Blacks. Didn’t they realise the Black Ferns actually won more games than the All Blacks? He knew exactly what his topic of the day was going to be for Mike’s Minute!
Feminist Mike finished his cereal and got all of the breakfast things out, ready for when his family woke up a few hours later. He made sure that all of the lunchboxes were clean and ready, and left a quick note for the kids (Have an empowering day!) before heading out the door.
Feminist Mike launched into his morning radio show with vigour. He had so much to talk about today! Pay parity, obviously, abortion legalisation, paid parental leave… and he thought he’d ask opposition leader Bill English what he was going to wear into the debating chamber later that day, just to illustrate how ridiculous it is that female politicians still get asked questions about their appearance.
When the show finished, he recorded Mike’s Minute and left the building feeling energised. There were so many hours left in the day to fight for women’s rights!
Feminist Mike hopped into his eco-friendly Prius, and swung by his local Pak n’ Save to stock up the boot with feminine hygiene products. He headed to every decile one school he could think of in the Auckland area (who knew there were so many!) delivering sanitary pads and tampons like a kind of period Santa so that the young women who weren’t able to afford the outrageously priced products had something to menstruate into.
After this excursion (gosh, it feels good to help women!), Feminist Mike headed to the equal pay rally he’d helped organise. Not wanting to speak when women’s voices needed to be heard, Feminist Mike instead grabbed as many pamphlets as he could carry and headed up the Sky Tower to fling them out the window in the hope that middle and upper management personnel would catch them and do something immediately about fixing the gender pay gap. The mere thought of a world where women and men were paid the same made him giddy with excitement.
Later, Feminist Mike was sitting in his dressing room preparing to co-host Seven Sharp, gazing up at his Gloria Steinem poster, when Toni Street burst in, looking stressed. “My youngest is ill, and my husband is away,” she told him. “I’m going to have to go.”
“No, Toni,” Feminist Mike said. “You stay. It’s always women who end up disproportionately shouldering the burden of childcare. I’ll go. You present the show solo – it’s been far too long since we’ve seen a solo woman in prime time!”
“Are you sure?” Toni said, looking doubtful.
“Absolutely! Tell her Uncle Mike is on his way!”
Later that evening, Feminist Mike settled down on the couch. Balancing a half-finished bottle under one arm, he rifled around for the remote control, and turned on the television (quietly) just as the opening credits of Seven Sharp were rolling. Rocking Toni's sick child in his arms, a solitary tear of pride dripped down his cheek. “Your mummy is a fierce queen, yaaaasss she is!” he whispered to the sniffling toddler.
As he shuffled his feminist tush back into the cushions, feeling the warm, comforting weight of the dozing child, he thought about all the patriarchy smashing he was going to do tomorrow.
All was well in the world.
Note: the above is, of course, satire. But we can dream.Support Villainesse