Girl Power.

  • Sat, 19, Oct, 2019 - 10:19:AM

How to not sexually harass or abuse people at work

Calamity of calamities… the world is changing, and sexual harassment is no longer okay. Not that it was ever really okay, but it was undoubtedly “okay”. Because boys will be boys and boys are usually in charge. Naturally.

NOT ANYMORE. Now, all those #metoo witches are flying around on their brooms hunting for men-who-are-just-being-men-and-are-good-guys-really in the middle of a mixed metaphor, rapey storm of male tears. 

So what is a non-rapey person with romantic feels meant to do? HAS #METOO KILLED ROMANCE? Well, no. It’s just challenged the idea that women are passive objects who should be grateful for, or at least just put up with, heterosexual men’s attention, comments, and unwanted physical contact. I say challenged, because the idea still stubbornly persists. We need to get some more #metoo witches up in the air. Stat.

But, coz some of us broom-pilotesses would actually much rather be sitting at home with a nice bucket of wine than braving the tempest of testosterone tantrums, here’s a handy guide to not get in trouble in the first place:

How to not sexually harass or abuse people at work:

1. Do you have a really great comment to make about boobs? Like, you’re astounded by your own flirtatious genius? Don’t say it. 

2. Do you really want to touch someone’s boobs? Or their butt? Or anywhere on their body? Don’t do it.

3. Do you have a really funny joke to make about women? Don’t. 

4. Do you feel the urge to hug or kiss a colleague? Yeah, definitely don’t.

See a theme developing here? Funnily enough, there’s a hack that will help you to avoid sexually harassing people. It is: don’t do it.

5. Do you think there might be a chance that a romantic attraction is developing between you and your co-worker? Yes, it does sometimes happen. But DON’T shove your tongue down their throat just to see what happens. If you really want to defy the company policy about relationships between employees (at your own peril), then ask your crush in a totally non-threatening environment preferably outside of work (a coffee shop? With lots of people in it so they know that if you suddenly turn into a rapist/axe-murder/romantic poet there’ll at least be witnesses they can turn to for help) something like, “I might be reading this completely wrong, and I totally respect your answer, but is there something developing between us?” And if they say “no”, then RESPECT THAT AND GIVE THEM SOME SPACE AND DON’T BE ALL WEIRD AND DEFINITELY DON’T SEEK REVENGE AGAINST THEM. AND DON’T TRY AGAIN. If they change their mind, they’ll do something about it. Cornering them at every work function when you’ve had too many beers most likely won’t seduce them.

6. Do you have a problem with drinking alcohol and getting handsy? Don’t drink. 

7. Do you feel tempted to talk to your colleagues about the crush you have on another colleague? Do you want to make sexual comments about them to others? Yeah, don’t. Record your own original love songs in your voice memos to listen to while you cry yourself to sleep if you have to. But don’t talk about your co-workers in a sexual or romantic way with your work buddies.

8. Do you feel like you can’t control your sexual urges towards your colleagues like a normal adult can? Then seriously, leave work. Go and have some therapy. Don’t go back to work until you can.

9. Do you find yourself staring at your colleague lustfully? Stop it. If you catch yourself gazing in their direction, bring your gaze forcefully back to your computer screen.

10. Do you find yourself wanting to whinge about how-hard-it-is these days because it’s not okay to sexually harass or abuse people anymore? Imagine what it was like to be harassed or abused, then stop being such a cockwomble.


  • Sexual Harassment /
  • Workplace /
  • Sexual Abuse /
  • #MeToo /
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