First published on Thursday the 8th of August, 2019, this piece comes in at number 22 in the top 30 most read Villainesse stories of 2019.
If you’re a woman who wants equality you best not have breasts.
Alright, you can have them, but they should be small, though not flat, and you should hide them under a bin liner if you have any decency.
Also… you probably shouldn’t wear red lipstick. You definitely shouldn’t wear pink lipstick. You can probably get away with a muted brown, but be careful not to go too dark – you’re not a blimmin goth are ya?
You should style your hair in a way that doesn’t draw attention but – my god – don’t cut it off, are you a raving woman’s libber? Or a lesbian? Don’t be blonde either – I thought you wanted equality?
You should look the same with and without makeup, which means to say you should be good looking. Don’t be beautiful though, that’s distracting, and you certainly mustn’t have the audacity to be HOT.
But don’t go makeup-free. Makes it seem like you’re pushing an agenda.
Also, this goes without saying, but you really shouldn’t yell? Just, like – why is this so hard for you to grapple – be chill? Lean in though. The wage gap (which doesn’t exist) only exists because women don’t DEMAND things. Structural inequality is actually your fault. Not that it’s real. Women are equal now.
Oh, and go get on birth control. Something discreet, doesn’t matter the side effects. Take it in secret. If you must discuss it, do so in your little women’s corners. But don’t discuss it, you shameless sluts. Also, please whip your pubes off.
Be ready for sex at any time but don’t have sex with just anyone. A man will want you to put out on the first night, but if you do so he won’t respect you.
Model your sexual habits off porn but don’t ever watch porn if you want to be taken seriously. And don’t be a pornstar but be down for it, you know?
EAT for god’s sake. No man wants to date with a silly woman who orders a SALAD. There’s nothing hotter than a hot woman digging into a burger. Be inextricably thin though. And don’t be hot, remember? Don’t you want equality?
Know about cool things, like Tarantino movies and alt-rock music. But don’t know too much – the man would like to explain them. He would also like to explain feminism, and reproductive rights, and a woman’s lived experience to you. Hear him out! He looks pretty confident!
Oh, and when a man parrots your idea it will be taken seriously, okay? When it comes out of a man’s mouth it just… comes off credible, you know? But that’s YOUR idea he’s touting! You should be proud!
Also – you’re gonna love this – men are a lot like babies. We know how much you ladies love babies! As the joke goes, your husband is your biggest kid. I mean, not when it comes to the boardroom or job interviews or finances or ambitious career opportunities. Just, like when it comes to the kitchen. Let’s put it this way: he is more capable than you are in every professional sense, but he’ll be flummoxed when he sees a dirty dish. Help him out!
Oh, also, other women are your enemy. There are very few spots at the top for you lot, and the only way to get there is to knock each other down. We set it up this way, of course, as we’d like to keep you squabbling so you don’t channel your righteous indignation at the enemy you women have in common. Forget I said that.
Anyway, it would be best if you basically hated all the other women in your life. You can hate them in secret, that’s fine. Just be jealous of their accomplishments and don’t ever try to help them out in any – HEY.
Do not lift each other up!
WAIT! Do not band together!
STOP THAT! DO NOT SUPPORT EACH OTHER!
DO NOT dismantle the system that keeps you oppressed! You love it this way! WE love it this way!
DO NOT directly challenge the patriarchy with your relentless self-worth. We profit off your hatred of self!
DO NOT commiserate over shared experience! We prefer it when you consider yourself different from other women!
DO NOT form a resistance!
DO NOT stand with your sisters!
DO NOT demolish patriarchy!
Why can’t you just be grateful for the meagre crumbs we’ve served you?
Bloody women.Support Villainesse