To : Female Senior High School Students in West Auckland
From : Your Discerning School Principals & Boards
Date : May 2016 (but possibly sometime in the 1950’s. We’re not entirely sure)
It has come to our attention that the female form is causing too much distraction amongst the male population of the school. We can't have that.
It should come as no surprise to any of you ladies that boys simply can’t be trusted to not act upon their primitive male urges when faced with the sight of the female body in anything other than demure, covered attire. These normal male urges are YOUR responsibility, girls. A young man at the start of his journey to full adulthood is unable to control himself and must be absconded of any blame if he chooses to act in his rightful manner as the superior sex.
For the reasons stated above, the Boards have all decided to enact policies around the appropriate female attire for the upcoming school ball season.
Showing any skin is entirely inappropriate for the upcoming festivities. Therefore, we are instructing you to ensure that you resist the temptation to dress in such a manner as to lure young men into such a state that they are unwittingly aroused.
Therefore, we are outlawing ball gowns that show any form of cleavage, the back of your shoulders and upper back, or a dress that is split too high on the thigh. One simply cannot be too careful. As we only just learned recently from our friends at Henderson High School, if adult male teachers can find themselves distracted by the sight of girl’s knees and thighs in a short school uniform while educating our young women, then how on earth could young, inexperienced boys possibly be expected to handle the sight of heaving bosoms and sculpted shoulder-blades? It simply won’t do.
We believe that the new school ball dress code is useful for giving you girls a wonderful learning opportunity for when you leave our hallowed halls of academia for the great big scary world out there. (A world where you are expected to wear high heels at work, and may be sent home if you deny your employer that right to instil their own office dress code).
So you see, our decision to put a school ball dress code in place is simply another worthwhile act of educating you for the world you will soon have to exist in. You’re welcome.
PS – As for the boys, you may wear whatever you wish to the school ball. Have a magnificent night!
(Editor's note - The above piece is intended to be satire and in no way reflects Villainesse’s real views on the ridiculous and sexist restrictions being placed upon high school girls. For the record, our view is that such restrictions are b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.)